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But now, being alone in a hotel room with Pete, I feel an almost hysterical lightness. But it will also take up so much of my brain and my life, that however much I want it, I know another child will stop me having the thoughts I want to have, and, to a great extent, living the life I want to lead. As a mother I have to pretend to be the person I really am not: patient, hygienic, gentle, good at craft, moderate, rarely anxious, never depressed. There is an acute novelty in not being needed for caring, instead doing something purely for pleasure. My band of three became our band of four and then five, when Evangeline arrived in , and, soon after, six, when Dash was born. Do not fight to win an argument, as all you are doing is proving the other person is an idiot, which makes you the idiot for having married them in the first place. In my 20s, I lived on a Texas ranch and knew a cowboy called Powder who was deeply loved by his wife, Janey. When I remarked on this to another cowboy, he nodded and laughed. By the time Lester, is eight months old, Pete and I are in danger of seeing one another only as caregivers, of failing to even see one another at all.

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